Scratching the Surface of Lana Del Rey… ‘s FACE

Sorry Hipster kids, if you were hoping for an omgshe’saahhmaaazing post, this isn’t it. I honestly don’t have any strong feelings about her music either way. It’s fine, just not my cup of tea.
Recently, my friend Chelsey posted LDR’s version of Blue Velvet on my facebook wall. I appreciate that she’s trying REALLY HARD to put a modern twist on vintage things, but she will NEVER be this Hot Slut Hall-of-Famer.

But her music has nothing to do with why I’m writing about her ass today. It’s her image, particularly her FACE. I capitalize “face”, because every time I see it on a billboard/online I am kind of taken aback by her features, but then as I inspect further I kind of chuckle to myself and cuntily question, “Is this bitch serious?”.
I ask that question because 1. Her cosmetic work is painfully (literally, lips = ouch) obvious and 2. I chuckle because I feel like she intentionally got a MAJOR makeover to look like this woman:

In case you didn’t already guess, I’m referring to Sam’s self-absorbed sister, Ginny, in Sixteen Candles.
Who could forget when she got her period on her wedding (to a bohunk) day, so she finally became tolerable when she took muscle relaxers with champagne? Or at least, “Darling, is something bothering you? You’re really acting like… an asshole.” PRICE-LESS.

Anyway, I agree that a makeover was in order (hair & style wise); but before (when she was a girl named Lizzie Grant), her face was cute and natural looking. Behold:


and…

Her lips now look like what I hated most about going into anaphylactic shock last year. Truuue Story:

Terrible, right? (*Btw, this picture is from my first ER trip, when I still thought a puffy face was funny and didn’t realize what a fucking AWFUL experience I was in for).
Anyway, dare I say she looked better before? I’m sorry, I just can’t get behind that over-worked look (that I really think is on it’s way out.. we’re seeing less and less of it). But the image of her walking into a Rodeo Drive plastic surgery office with a picture of Molly Ringwald’s sister from a classic John Hughes flick is pretty entertaining. I imagine it’d go something like this:

LDRey: Doctor, please! I have no chance in succeeding in the music business unless I look like THIS.

Dr. Robert Rey (coincidence?) of Dr. 90210 Fame: Errrmm, really? I mean, that’s fantastic! I’ll buy my kid that pony You will look so hot.

LDRey: Are you sure it’s not completely ridiculous that I plump up my face beyond recognition to look like an antagonist in an iconic 1984 teen comedy?   ……  Doctor??

DRRey: Oh sorry, babe. I was distracted by my frosty highlights and AWESOME karate moves in that mirror over there :::bows respectfully to his own reflection::: .. Anyway, you don’t have to move your mouth much to be a singer these days, right?

And just for our amusement, below is a GIF of the glamorous wonkiness/facial paralysis that goes along with collagen.

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About ashleyzuzu

I clean up nice.
This entry was posted in Fashion, Girlfriend, please..., Music, Why?. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Scratching the Surface of Lana Del Rey… ‘s FACE

  1. Shirley says:

    You are hilarious. Seriously. You should post more.

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