So, my co-Cho, Saundra, and I agree on most things, but one debate that we will never see eye-to-eye on is an
imaginary very real competition between Kevin Arnold and Zack (NOT “Zach”, kids. It’s Zack, as in ZACK Motherfuckin’ ATTACK) Morris. Already, it’s probably pretty obvious which one I have chosen as my Life Muse. We will weigh in on their strengths and weaknesses in a moment, but first we must address their similarities:
1. They are both 90’s teen idols, heartthrobs if you will.
2. They are both child-actors, mainly with backgrounds in television.
3. *Most importantly, they have both abused Candace Cameron Bure (aka DJ Tanner from Full House) in made for TV “Movies of the Week” (remember those?). MPG date-raped CCB/DJ in one of my recent favorites that I somehow missed in 1996’s She Cried No aka Freshman Fall (Every time I see “Freshman Fall” I read “Freshman Fail”, which I’m convinced was a working title in production). Freshman Fail is the tale of a young woman in her first week of college who gets date-raped by her brother’s fraternity brother (sounds super incestuous, but it’s not that kind of movie).
Fred went as far as MURDERING her in No One Would Tell (also from 1996); a story about a teenage girl who is in an abusive relationship with her popular boyfriend, but even though people witness said abuse, no one would tell. Example, brought to you by Wrestling Coach Fuckface below:
Did he really just tell him to save his abusive “spirit” for his wrraaastlin’? Also, Michelle Phillips from The Mamas & The Papas plays CCB’s long-suffering mother in the masterpiece above.
Ok, let’s move on to Fred’s Stats.
Fred Savage Facts:
– Full curly hair
– Soulful brown eyes
– Directs many funny television series now including: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Modern Family, and Party Down. And has even directed some episodes of MPG’s show, Franklin & Bash.
– Is a native of the Chicago suburbs (Glencoe).
– Ancestry: Grandparents were Jewish immigrants from Poland, Ukraine, Germany, and Latvia.
– Older brother of Ben Savage of Boy Meets World fame. LOVE the episode where Fred is the creepy professor who violates Topanga (why?).
– Appeared as a serial rapist on a 2003 episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.
– Graduated from Stanford University in 1999 with a bachelor’s degree in English.
– He is married to his childhood friend, Jennifer Lynn Stone. They have two children.
Now, onto MPG’s Stats.
Mark-Paul Gosselaar Facts:
– Was Zack Morris and had one of the best sculpted bowl-cuts of the 1990’s.
– Dated all three female leads while working on Saved by the Bell (Like a boss).
– He is a native of the San Fernando Valley, was born in Panorama City, CA (aka streets away from where I live now).
– Currently resides in Santa Clarita, CA (where Franklin & Bash is shot). Be sure to see my television debut this season as a “Member of the Press”.
– Ancestry: His father Hans is of Dutch descent from France, and his mother Paula is a Filipina from Indonesia. Seriously had NO idea he was Asian-ish.
– Gosselaar is also a sports car enthusiast, race car driver, track cyclist, dirt biker, and pilot.
– Gosselaar married Lisa Ann Russell in 1996. They have two children. On June 3, 2010, it was announced that Gosselaar and Russell had separated. Two weeks later, the couple filed for divorce. On August 11, 2011 the actor announced his engagement to advertising executive Catriona McGinn (I hate her already). It was reported that he presented her with a 5-carat Neil Lane engagement ring (I hate her more now).
Also, important to know; Gosselaar appeared in an episode of Wonder Years where her steals a dreamgirl from Savage. See scene below: