Last night, right after I finished dinner with my boyfriend (of baked mushrooms and BBQ meatballs, thankyouverymuch), I saw a text from a BFF, Taissa, saying “Valley of the Dolls is on! I love the theme music [by Dionne Warwick] so much!”
*Sidenote: When I lived with Taissa in Chicago last year, I’d go to the library every Tuesday after work and rent really odd, sometimes random movies. It started as a “I wanna see every classic movie I’ve heard about, and never got around to watching” thing, but it quickly got out of hand.
One of our earliest features was Valley of the Dolls (1967), which all I really knew about it was that it was one of Sharon Tate’s big films. Before I kind of poke fun at this classic, I want to point out that it’s one of my favorite films, and it introduced me to the greatness that is Patty Duke (read her books if you have the chance, they’re good). *Also, part of what makes this movie so entertaining, is how un-Politically Correct some of the dialogue is. No offense intended.
If you want to read a quick movie summery, you can HERE; or if you have an attention span like mine, below is the original trailer:
*Anyway, after Taissa’s text, I quickly found a way to join in watching the movie with her from across the country. Here are some of our texting highlights:
Taissa: The ‘you know how bitchy fags can be’ part just happened!
Me: That picture of Ted Casablanca in the newspaper was hilarious.
Taissa: Haha, troof.
Me: It’s too HOT! Neely is so my favorite.
Taissa: My mom was telling me about all the people the characters are based on.
Me: Yeah, Neely was based on Judy Garland and Judy was supposed to play bitchface Helen Lawson.
Taissa: Apparently Jen is loosely based on Marilyn Monroe, and Anne is Suzy Parker.
[Rumored homosexual, Ted Casablanca, is caught with another woman]
Me: “You need glasses, Neely. She’s hardly built like a boy.”
Taissa: I thought he was supposed to be gay?
Me: I still think he is. He puts way too much emphasis on “being a man”.
Me: “Look at that face!” Umm… Did Lyon the Lion just yell at her for “boozing and eating throughout the whole picture”?
Taissa: I love that she plays her own song on the jukebox.
Me: She’s classy.
Taissa: “Jennifer, shame on you! Look, you still got that mole on your keester! Boobies, boobies, boobies. Nothing but boobies. Who needs ’em?”
Me: Who needs boobies?! Wait, was she date raped and robbed? That guy was fugly.
Taissa: Something like that. But Lion to the rescue!
Me: Anne uses every occasion for an elaborate updo.
[Jennifer’s “French Movie” Part]
Taissa: Creepy side eye from the director.
Taissa: The last line of the movie was “The wine almost fell in my shoes”?!?
Me: Umm… was she banging that scary French director? He tells her they’ll talk about it “at the apartment”. Valley of Banging Ugly Dudes.
Taissa: I like Neely’s nautical outfit. And by nautical I mean navy blue pants and a headband.
Taissa: Annie is pretty. Even if she is boring.
Me: Yeah. Like a beautiful bowl of oatmeal.
Taissa: Neely is such a ho.
Me: Yeah (stealing your friend’s Lion) is cold.
Taissa: I can’t wait til she flushes the old lady’s wig!
Me: LOVE THAT PART.
Taissa: Miss Lawson’s outfit is JAMAZING.
[Druggie Anne Scenes]
[Anne gets sick of the druggie life while her boyfriend bangs her friend, so she leaves Hollywood and goes back to the New England Region]
[Neely’s comeback, and super quick relapse]
Taissa: That first guy that knocked on the door was Richard Dreyfuss!
Me: I went back to see, it totally was! I love that Neely immediately tries to strangle her understudy, and bitch is totally unfazed. What a pro.
Taissa: I love her alley freak out.
Me: I’m gonna go out tonight screaming, “WHERE ARE YOU?”
Taissa: She yells everyone’s name, even God.
Me: She’s like an alley cat with her giant fur coat.
Taissa: Atleast she’s dressed well.
Me: Poor Mel 😦 Her first husband, not Gibson. NEELY O’HARA!!!
Taissa: Go Annie for saying no to Lion! I love the theme song!!!
Me: When you visit next, we should have a ‘Valley of the Dolls’ themed party. It might just be like 3 of us though.
Taissa: Yes!!!! We can have candy in pill bottles!
Me: I call wearing Neely’s hot bra/slip combo.
Taissa: I’m definitely wearing an updo.