Alright, I must confess that I still watch this shit show. I would lie and say “It’s the last season, I just wanna see where it goes..”. But the truth is that I was pretty bummed when I learned that it had been cancelled (Not that we didn’t all see it coming [by “we” I mean the 5 of us that still tune in] there has been some desperate shark jumping).
Truth is, I didn’t start watching until about two years ago, while sharing an apartment with one of my favorite men (yes, he is a homosexual) because he was going through the box sets; and I eventually gave in when I saw Bree Van de Kamp let the cray-cray stalker Pharmacist who murdered her husband, commit suicide in front of her (he had counted on her to save him). That was the day that cold bitch warmed my heart for the first time.
It’s been a long journey with DH. We’ve had the Bolen family (who weren’t really likable until about the time they skipped town), Fairview-Mama Issues-Stranger, Blind Carlooos (always sung to the tune of ‘Bailamos‘), homely Gaby, stripper lesbians, missing fingers, the tragic loss of Edie Britt (1. Hey body was SLAMMIN’. 2. I seriously cried during the memoriam episode where they scattered her ashes). That scary-scary “What If” episode;
And my personal favorite, Roger Sterling from ‘Mad Men’ being impaled by the white picket fence during a random tornado. See:
Anyway, *said friend from earlier (we’ll call him “Dubs”) and I were texting today about yesterday’s episode, and this is how it went down:
DUBS: Just finished watching it. Shits going down! Chuck Vance is as big of a douche as his name sounds.
ME: I know! Bitch got scary! Whatever, those actors had no sexual chemistry anyway. Also, taking a picture of someone’s hand as they sleep is super creepy. And that was a hilarious Bree/Gaby episode. They need more scenes together. And Susan and Carlos? The fuck was that??
DUBS: I know, right?! I knew Mike would get jealous. I think it’s really dumb that the end of the episode made it seem like he was leaving Susan. The whole Alejandro/Gaby situation is like identical to the Bad Cop/Diedre (*Mike’s first Baby Mama) thing. Just Carlos is getting away with it, and Mike went to jail.
ME: True dat. Also, if I were Gaby, I’d be kinda pissed that my husband feels SO guilty for defending my life from a CHILDHOOD RAPIST.
DUBS: Right?! “Oh I feel SO guilty for hitting a guy ONCE who was about to sexually assault my wife.” How does that work anyway? One hit TKO? Remember the beating Adam Mayfair took and was still able to drive a car to save his estranged wife? Alejandro must’ve had a weak skull.
Lynette and Tom are gonna get back together. And Vanessa Williams is a poor man’s Nicolette Sheridan at best, FYI.
ME: BOOM. YES. And what happened to Tom’s crazy work hours/Mega Ego? Now it’s her fault they separated? Also, the stylist for this show DESPISES Vanessa Williams. They always dress her like a Pirate Hooker.
They need to bring back Edie Britt as a Cougar Ghost or something. And what ever happened to the lesbians? I think that Cokehead Zach Young sent Bree the letter, btw.
DUBS: I think it was crazy eight-fingers magoo Felicia.
There you have it. If you made it through this whole thing, I wish there was a bad-tv-dedication gold star I could give you.