While standing in line at Noodles & Co. tonight, I was fortunate (note: sarcasm) enough to be behind two tall, athletically built teenage girls, both wearing yoga pants and both revealing much, much more of themselves than they would wearing a mini-skirt and tight tank (and that’s saying something). And while these girls have young, perfect bodies, they looked AWFUL.
Now, I get it: yoga pants are comfortable. HOWEVER, when they’re so tight I can see everything and then some, we have a problem. First of all, that CANNOT be comfortable. You look like you have a wedgie…at every angle. Secondly, I highly doubt you’ve hit a yoga mat before and you only bought the pants because you thought they were ‘cool’ or ‘sexy’. And third, you look…well, trashy. Who the hell told you that this looks good?!
It amazes me the things that teenagers/young people wear and think is attractive.
So, teenagers of the world, please know: THIS DOES NOT LOOK GOOD. In fact, you look downright trashy. And I don’t care how skinny, how fit, how perfect your body may be. You don’t look nice. You don’t look classy. You don’t look attractive. And the only people who will disagree with me are adolescent boys who only care about sex, perverted older men who only care about sex, and frat boys…who only care about sex.
Sorry Hipster kids, if you were hoping for an omgshe’saahhmaaazing post, this isn’t it. I honestly don’t have any strong feelings about her music either way. It’s fine, just not my cup of tea.
Recently, my friend Chelsey posted LDR’s version of Blue Velvet on my facebook wall. I appreciate that she’s trying REALLY HARD to put a modern twist on vintage things, but she will NEVER be this Hot Slut Hall-of-Famer.
But her music has nothing to do with why I’m writing about her ass today. It’s her image, particularly her FACE. I capitalize “face”, because every time I see it on a billboard/online I am kind of taken aback by her features, but then as I inspect further I kind of chuckle to myself and cuntily question, “Is this bitch serious?”.
I ask that question because 1. Her cosmetic work is painfully (literally, lips = ouch) obvious and 2. I chuckle because I feel like she intentionally got a MAJOR makeover to look like this woman:
In case you didn’t already guess, I’m referring to Sam’s self-absorbed sister, Ginny, in Sixteen Candles. Who could forget when she got her period on her wedding (to a bohunk) day, so she finally became tolerable when she took muscle relaxers with champagne? Or at least, “Darling, is something bothering you? You’re really acting like… an asshole.” PRICE-LESS.
Anyway, I agree that a makeover was in order (hair & style wise); but before (when she was a girl named Lizzie Grant), her face was cute and natural looking. Behold:
Her lips now look like what I hated most about going into anaphylactic shock last year. Truuue Story:
Terrible, right? (*Btw, this picture is from my first ER trip, when I still thought a puffy face was funny and didn’t realize what a fucking AWFUL experience I was in for).
Anyway, dare I say she looked better before? I’m sorry, I just can’t get behind that over-worked look (that I really think is on it’s way out.. we’re seeing less and less of it). But the image of her walking into a Rodeo Drive plastic surgery office with a picture of Molly Ringwald’s sister from a classic John Hughes flick is pretty entertaining. I imagine it’d go something like this:
LDRey: Doctor, please! I have no chance in succeeding in the music business unless I look like THIS.
Dr. Robert Rey (coincidence?) of Dr. 90210 Fame: Errrmm, really? I mean, that’s fantastic! I’ll buy my kid that pony You will look so hot.
LDRey: Are you sure it’s not completely ridiculous that I plump up my face beyond recognition to look like an antagonist in an iconic 1984 teen comedy? …… Doctor??
DRRey: Oh sorry, babe. I was distracted by my frosty highlights and AWESOME karate moves in that mirror over there :::bows respectfully to his own reflection::: .. Anyway, you don’t have to move your mouth much to be a singer these days, right?
And just for our amusement, below is a GIF of the glamorous wonkiness/facial paralysis that goes along with collagen.
So, my co-Cho, Saundra, and I agree on most things, but one debate that we will never see eye-to-eye on is an imaginary very real competition between Kevin Arnold and Zack (NOT “Zach”, kids. It’s Zack, as in ZACK Motherfuckin’ ATTACK) Morris. Already, it’s probably pretty obvious which one I have chosen as my Life Muse.
We will weigh in on their strengths and weaknesses in a moment, but first we must address their similarities:
1. They are both 90’s teen idols, heartthrobs if you will.
2. They are both child-actors, mainly with backgrounds in television.
3. *Most importantly, they have both abused Candace Cameron Bure (aka DJ Tanner from Full House) in made for TV “Movies of the Week” (remember those?). MPG date-raped CCB/DJ in one of my recent favorites that I somehow missed in 1996’s She Cried No aka Freshman Fall(Every time I see “Freshman Fall” I read “Freshman Fail”, which I’m convinced was a working title in production). Freshman Fail is the tale of a young woman in her first week of college who gets date-raped by her brother’s fraternity brother (sounds super incestuous, but it’s not that kind of movie).
Fred went as far as MURDERING her in No One Would Tell(also from 1996); a story about a teenage girl who is in an abusive relationship with her popular boyfriend, but even though people witness said abuse, no one would tell. Example, brought to you by Wrestling Coach Fuckface below:
Did he really just tell him to save his abusive “spirit” for his wrraaastlin’? Also, Michelle Phillips from The Mamas & The Papas plays CCB’s long-suffering mother in the masterpiece above.
Ok, let’s move on to Fred’s Stats.
Fred Savage Facts:
– Full curly hair
– Soulful brown eyes
– Directs many funny television series now including: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Modern Family, and Party Down. And has even directed some episodes of MPG’s show, Franklin & Bash. – Is a native of the Chicago suburbs (Glencoe).
– Ancestry: Grandparents were Jewish immigrants from Poland, Ukraine, Germany, and Latvia.
– Older brother of Ben Savage of Boy Meets World fame. LOVE the episode where Fred is the creepy professor who violates Topanga (why?).
– Appeared as a serial rapist on a 2003 episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. – Graduated from Stanford University in 1999 with a bachelor’s degree in English.
– He is married to his childhood friend, Jennifer Lynn Stone. They have two children.
Now, onto MPG’s Stats.
Mark-Paul Gosselaar Facts:
– Was Zack Morris and had one of the best sculpted bowl-cuts of the 1990’s.
– Dated all three female leads while working on Saved by the Bell (Like a boss).
– He is a native of the San Fernando Valley, was born in Panorama City, CA (aka streets away from where I live now).
– Currently resides in Santa Clarita, CA (where Franklin & Bash is shot). Be sure to see my television debut this season as a “Member of the Press”.
– Ancestry: His father Hans is of Dutch descent from France, and his mother Paula is a Filipina from Indonesia. Seriously had NO idea he was Asian-ish.
– Gosselaar is also a sports car enthusiast, race car driver, track cyclist, dirt biker, and pilot.
– Gosselaar married Lisa Ann Russell in 1996. They have two children. On June 3, 2010, it was announced that Gosselaar and Russell had separated. Two weeks later, the couple filed for divorce. On August 11, 2011 the actor announced his engagement to advertising executive Catriona McGinn (I hate her already). It was reported that he presented her with a 5-carat Neil Lane engagement ring (I hate her more now).
Also, important to know; Gosselaar appeared in an episode of Wonder Years where her steals a dreamgirl from Savage. See scene below: